Death has become a subject many adults are afraid to talk about. To the Victorians, who would have been shocked by today’s liberal attitude to sex, our approach to dealing with death would be unfathomable. Our reluctance to deal with death head on can have an extremely detrimental effect on our youngsters and children, which could ultimately lead to mental health problems in later life.

Now, Dove House Hospice in Hull, which cares for patients with life-limiting illnesses and their families, is to host a major international conference to empower all sections of society to support and care for children through bereavement and loss.

This year’s conference, titled “Children and Loss: Time to Listen”, is the fifth of its kind to be hosted by Dove House and takes place on the 18th June at Hull Truck Theatre. As part of its public health programme, hospice staff will be using their substantial knowledge gained from working within schools and alongside young people to host the conference.

It is hoped that by exploring the issues surrounding death, professionals working with children will be better prepared to support children when they encounter the unfamiliar emotions of loss and grief. The conference is aimed at anyone who works with children, including those in schools, social services, youth groups and the clergy.

According to Dove House’s head of practise development, Nic MacManus, the unwillingness to confront mortality in society generally is excluding children from the natural grieving process and causing emotional problems in the long term.

“It is often adults who find themselves unable to talk about death as dealing with their own mortality can make them ill at ease,” says Nic. “Children would often welcome being brought into the family bereavement experience but might feel excluded form this.”

“In the past death was regarded as a normal part of family life. However, with more and more people dying in hospital, children are often shielded from bereavement in a misguided attempt to protect them from pain.”

“There is an old painting of children carrying a coffin and that, now, may be frowned up,” he says. “Years ago, we would have a person who had died in our front rooms and children would be part of the grieving process. Now it’s quite a methodical procedure where the body is whipped away and out of sight.

“The fact is, as much as parents and adults would like to protect them, children must face emotions like grief and disappointment at some point in their lives”

He draws comparisons with what he calls “the goldfish test.” “Do we swap the dead goldfish for another one to protect the children or do we use it as a chance to talk about loss?” he questions. “Part of our ethos is that we want people to feel comfortable talking about death and dying and, from our experience, children are very resilient and they will adapt to situations.

“Often, children are traumatised not by the death itself, but by the fears and anxieties they imagine to be connected with death. If we don’t talk to children about their emotions, they could continue to be misinformed and believe things which aren’t true; potentially causing much more damage.”

“By not giving them the information they need when they suffer loss, it can make it more difficult for them to deal with some of their emotions. We can tell them it’s okay to feel angry or upset and that it’s okay to talk about things. If we don’t involve a child, it may be that they end up thinking something awful is happening to them because of the way they are feeling.”

Attendees will gain insight into children’s experiences of the death of the parent and how to help them tackle the life-changing event as well as understanding the importance of being proactive instead of reactive. Tackling death at an earlier age can help children understand their emotions and prevent negative behaviour which can emerge years later if a child is ignored or excluded from the grieving process. Those attending the conference will also be given the opportunity to tap into a valuable network of professionals, exchanging ideas on supporting children as they deal with overwhelming feelings of loss.

Speakers at the conference are to include Brenda Mallon, who is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in bereavement; team leader for Minority Ethnic Achievement at Hull’s Children and Young People’s Services, Sukhwant Kaur; and Alison Penny, co-ordinator of the Childhood Bereavement Network. Specific talks will include “How you can help children and young people who experience loss”, “Grief matters for children in school” and “A child’s perception of immigration from India to the UK”, which discusses the issue of culture loss and the lack of sense of belonging caused by such a move.

For more information on Dove House Hospice’s Children and Loss: Time to Listen conference or to reserve a space, please visit the Dove House website. A complete brochure of the conference is also available.

Tags: Mental Health

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